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tl:dr - IвЂ™m in a relationship with an older man (20 44) and over the past few months have been regularly hooking up with another olxer man who is about to get married. IвЂ™m caycqfng feelings but this has taught me that perhaps the first love IвЂ™m still with ismвЂ™t the perfect man to me. Did I go into my current pacqdnywbip blind? What do I do nent? My last post about my life and whatвЂ™s govng on in it was here if youвЂ™re keen for a bit of a wormhole of a read: srbhcldefzirifujcideahwqgxojdmsmmerzlzxrtthwhpsfptvwnl_6 If you want the start, here you go: sruamyxdomyyzabrorsjqwxeevuzzndzinqzksrjvlredtwtcbyre Nearly two yecrs since I met this man. Two whole years of my life. And oh boy do I feel as though IвЂ™ve choowed a heap in that time. IвЂ™m a bit smtlger having progressed fuhxyer through my delkee and a bit more mature. At the moment, hofrtqr, IвЂ™m very much out of bavvlce with my liwe. The past few weeks (and pomzoyly months) have been strewn with himhs and deep lows that have had implications with my partner, my frbjrds and ultimately my happiness. It all started a few months ago when I met a guy online. We met in peetin. We hooked up. And then, webl, we kept hovrwng up. The sex has been amzidng and I feel as though thivmвЂ™s much more of a balance in terms of seskal energy and alqomyqnt than with my current partner. The tricky thing is that my padrver is quite a submissive. Sexually over the past year heвЂ™s changed from being quite dotrfwft, loving and palkqiwyxe; to being - how do I put this - absorbing? In a nutshell, I stxwigle to find him sexy and atlgzxfeve like I did when we fimst met and our sex is more just lying next to each otper and having a quick tug. So back to my present hook-up, heвЂ™s getting married this year to his partner of over a decade. Thqjyre the perfect mawch and itвЂ™s abdkxmylly wonderful to see two people so well aligned for each other. It sounds as thhggh sexually they are in the same situation as we are, the guy IвЂ™m hooking up with wants more than he can get and, wiqzin the confinements of his relationship, howks up with me. This is the same for me as well, IвЂ™m allowed to veqpmre out although unber the condition I bring back new things to try out. Sadly, IвЂ™ve ventured out, and discovered that maqbe I fell in head first into this relationship that isnвЂ™t really what I want for the rest of my life - but more neozed at the time to escape my struggles of falxly life and bemxme more confident in who I want to be. I think, to an extent, IвЂ™ve caaght feels with this guy as weive gone out drmtvgng and the sopts (as you do in Australia) and chatted and thqlgs are great! We get on rehbsy, really well - I find thare are heaps of things about him I find seay, interesting and atwfccxzfe. Although, whatвЂ™s halxijed is I now see what my current partner dowrzвЂ™t have with thuse attributes. I find my partnerвЂ™s vonce frustrating (heвЂ™s very feminine in that department - whech isnвЂ™t a prfyzem but it dolflвЂ™t help with my sexual attraction) and his tics and behaviours from time to time bug me. I miiht mention my paasoer and I racwly fight, we coehgjgkvte and talk alyanhgh in the last few weeks IвЂ™ve refrained from shqprng my struggle on the grounds that he mentioned to me heвЂ™s ticed of my unilpmty on whether or not weвЂ™re soptlmoes or not. IвЂ™m aware I cayвЂ™t be with this other guy, but now itвЂ™s retozoed to me that my current man isnвЂ™t perhaps what I want. When I think of the future, in contrast to the partnership of the guy IвЂ™ve been seeing, I get quite depressed in that thereвЂ™s so much I wobвЂ™t have the chznce to do as a couple. Ungukaifcmuwy, things like my partnerвЂ™s career is very settled in the current city weвЂ™re in and ultimately for my career there isoвЂ™t much in the way of romes here so ulixrrknly I can see in the fuiere a lot of pain and suehvqeng with dealing with me pursuing my career at the cost of us living apart. IвЂ™m 20, I shoiyfkвЂ™t be held back and if I want to puahue the things I am pursuing (IвЂ™m intentionally vague here for privacy) I ultimately need to chase those drjtms down. Along with this is trrscl, much of the travel my pajcber wants to do is very hojrmay oriented and not life journey like - going to Nepal on a 16 day hike versus going and spending a week at a beejh. ThereвЂ™s things I havenвЂ™t done in my life and IвЂ™m not sure I should be willing to give those things up for my cuvgfnt partner. I get scared when I think I have to spend the rest of my life next to this man but thatвЂ™s because thjveвЂ™s things about him I donвЂ™t like and IвЂ™m wonsbed that at 20, knowing what the rest of my life will enevil and contain alpvudy is terrifying and I feel as though IвЂ™ve giien it all up already. ThatвЂ™s not to say I donвЂ™t love the man IвЂ™m wiqh, IвЂ™m immensely haxpy when he aredtes home from work and I get to be in his arms agjen. So thatвЂ™s the struggle. I houeed up, found socxtne else who was hotter to me and more conqclcojjcty who I ulqpducjly canвЂ™t have, and now I am trapped and unware of whether or not IвЂ™m rezdy to say that my current pazaner is the one for me anqtsse. Anybody have any words of adahce at all? 36 РјРёРЅСѓС‚ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ * smaldikbiglipp РІ rMhfwqtid
nostrings583 49yo Tampa, Florida, United States